Tombstone Grey and the Seven Dark Iron Dwarves
by The Exile
Summary: A classic fairy tale given a Warcraft makeover!


Tombstone Grey and the Seven Dark Iron Dwarves

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who lived in the Undercity. She was so beautiful that even the worms and maggots flocked to see her beauty. Because her soft grey skin was the colour of a tombstone built out of the finest slate, she was known as Tombstone Grey.

Tombstone Grey had a wicked stepmother who was jealous of her beauty and planned to kill her. One night, she went to the Apothecarium and ordered the Master Apothecary to make her a deadly poison that she could bake into a cake.

"But Forsaken don't eat!" protested the Apothecary.

"Oh, this one does, believe me. She stuffs her face with cake all day!" said the wicked stepmother.

"But..."

"Look, I'm paying you 200 Gold so shut up!"

Unknown to the wicked stepmother, a crafty rogue was hiding in the shadows. He had heard every word! The rogue sneaked out of the Apothecarium and back to the chambers of his employer, Tombstone Grey.

"The cake is a lie!" he gasped.

"The what is a what now?"

"Your wicked stepmother is going to kill you with a poisoned cake! You must flee at once! Now where's my 50 gold?"

"Let's see... I'll make it 100 if you sneak me out of the Undercity."

So Tombstone Grey and the rogue sneaked out of the Undercity and into a dark, dark wood full of the howling of wolves and the war cries of adventurers. It was no place for a beautiful princess!

--

Now, a company of Dark Iron Dwarves just happened to be passing through Tirisfal Glades, looking for Uldaman. Don't ask me how they had got so lost! Their names were Cruel, Vindictive, Greedy, Pyromaniac, Drunk, Fanatical and Bob.

"Lets sing a happy working song!" said Drunk, hiccuping merrily, "Hi ho! Hi ho!"

"If you don't shut up, I'll pull your intestines out and strangle you with them." said Cruel, turning to Pyromaniac, "Where are we now? This is your fault for setting fire to our only map!"

"But Ragnaros told me to do it!"

"No blaspheming!" bellowed Fanatical, clouting him over the head with the Holy Book of Ragnaros.

"Shut up!" hissed Bob, "I can hear footsteps!"

It was the rogue, who had accidentally broken stealth, and Tombstone Grey!

"Look! A rogue and a virgin sacrifice!" said Fanatical.

"How do you know its a virgin?" asked Cruel, "She's pretty. Maybe she's a whore."

"I am NOT a whore!" yelled Tombstone Grey, "I am a pure maiden!"

"See? I told you, didn't I?" said Fanatical, "I can smell virgin sacrifices from a mile off."

"I'll give you 50 gold and this virgin sacrifice if you spare my life!" said the rogue.

"Its a deal!" said Greedy.

And so the cowardly rogue ran away into the woods, leaving poor Tombstone Grey to be sacrificed to Ragnaros!

--

The procession made its way in the general direction that Bob thought might be Uldaman to the tune of Drunk's merry working song.

"Hi ho! We're off to pull aggro! The whole party will scream and flee, hi ho! Hi ho, hi ho!"

Soon they came to a cave that looked a bit like Uldaman. Well, all caves look the same in the dark! Fanatical made an altar out of a couple of slabs of stone and tied Tombstone Grey to it. Then he brandished his sacrificial knife and started chanting in Kalimag.

However, he never got the chance to plunge it down. Out of the shadows jumped...

Well, it looked like lots and lots of plate armour that moved on its own. When it removed its visor, however, Tombstone Grey saw the face of a handsome, dashing Blood Elf! He had long flowing raven-black hair and ivory skin.

"My name is Bishop Paladin!" he announced, "And I will rescue you, fair maiden!"

"How did you know I was here?" she asked.

"It is my destiny to find you! My darling, darling escort quest, with your bountiful reward! Come here, little dwarfies, surrender your phat loots unto me!"

"Did you hear that, Vindictive?" said Cruel, "He called you fat."

"VENGEANCE!" screamed Vindictive, frothing at the mouth and charging at the paladin with an axe.

"SMITE THE EVIL HERETIC!" roared Fanatical.

"HE SPILLED MY PINT!" bellowed Drunk.

Pyromaniac said nothing. He was busy giggling and summoning fire elementals.

However, Bishop Paladin was not perturbed by the impossible odds - he bravely stood and took the damage! Blow after blow rained down upon his armour!

"Quickly! Flee while you still can!" he yelled.

Tombstone Grey bolted down the corridor, out of the cave and into the dark, dark forest. She was lost, alone and afraid. Who could she trust now? Everyone she knew had betrayed her! Even the dashing, handsome paladin was a twat!

Suddenly, she saw something glinting on the ground. She bent down and picked it up. It was one of the rogue's daggers! He must have dropped it while he was running away!

I'm tired of being a beautiful princess, she thought, I'm going to become an adventurer!

And so Tombstone Grey became a mighty adventurer and stabbed her wicked stepmother to death. The Seven Dark Iron Dwarves wandered in exile for a hundred years until they finally sobered enough to remember where Uldaman was. Bishop Paladin survived his ordeal but was later global-banned for punching a GM in the face in a drunken bar brawl in Paris.

And they all lived happily ever after.


End file.
